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Feel free to ignore this or tell me to stfu or yell at me after reading it. I am prepared.. No this isn't a pity party...this is just me. Loving someone is not something you can just control. Yes...even after everything and all the time I still love Jon. Period. I do...can't shut it off...can't turn the channel and it disappear. I still love him and I have no clue what to do. It's been forever and I still love him just as much as long ago. And no, it's not due to me being lonely...it's not due to me being co-dependent because I've worked thru that. I still love him. Just like I still love my mother... faults and all.... Just like I still love my dad even though he's been dead since 1986. I still love him. But what the hell do I do with that? What the hell can I do with that. You can't just unlove someone when you love that person fault and all...unconditionally. Yeah so I'm a fool...an idiot...a glutton for pain and heartache the rest of my life I guess. So many nights I wished I didn't love him. That it could have just been some fleeting sexual relationship...but it wasn't. I swear to fucking GOD! yes GOD! that when I gave that man my heart I did so forever. Goddamn fuck. When I fucking LOVE someone with all my heart and soul...it's forever..whether it's family, friends, whatever. My kids...my dearest friends could commit fucking murder and I'd still love them. That's just how I am. I don't stop loving them just because they totally fuck me over or hurt me or whatever. So yeah... I know nothing will ever change...... my loving him is just something that I will have to accept and live with. Just like there is that ONE out there for everyone... my opinion... there also is that ONE LOVE out there that you just never get over. So yeah... have to deal I guess. Blah... whatever... just rambling.

help.....................

So the girls slept over at a friends house last nite... just called me and instead of hanging with me today they want to stay out there and sleep over again...since there is no school tomorrow....which is cool with me. But........................we all know what happens when I have a day to myself.... I end up driving to Harper to see if I see Jon anywhere... or more importantly to see HIM see ME and then see what his reaction is. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. I know. But I feel that temptation building inside me right now. I feel that desperation brooding deep within. I feel it. I will try to resist the temptation...but it's gonna be hard. Why couldn't it just be a nasty rainy stormy Sunday...then I wouldn't drive anywhere!!! But it's beautiful and sunny out! fuck I'm a disaster.

yada yada yada

So I've come to truly realize that time does NOT heal all pain... you just learn to cope better...that's all. You somehow figure out how to bury it deep down within. Kinda like when you have your brother or sister bury you in the sand... or well I dunno...but the pain remains... but you learn to somehow function...get thru each day without crying....without dwelling on it as much. This isn't a pity party and this isn't a moment of weakness where I'm gonna go begging and crawling back to Jon...but just me getting stuff out of my head. Yeah I still love him. I truly honestly believe I always will. The good in Jon... the guy I fell for... he's the one I miss...I still love....and I 100% believe he was my soulmate and I will love him till the day I die.... that love is just buried deep. I still miss him every day. It still kills me every second of every day knowing that he hates me...that he did this to me and the girls again...that he has NO remorse.. NO nothing. And yeah I guess also it's a bit of an ego killer that he can just let go and move on so quickly. I haven't heard a word from him in forever. All times before I'd still here from him from time to time....but not this time.

What's worse? I put myself back out there with that Jacob fuckhead...guess it was just a fucking sympathy date for the fat chick....cuz I never heard back from him and last night we went to Mamacitas to eat and lo and behold he ended up being our waiter...and the fucker acted as if he didn't know me from Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah so...ouch. Major dumbass me I tell ya. I've GOT to lose this weight... 50-60 lbs will get me down to 110-120... and then maybe I will get asked out....and not just a pity date. My friend, Tad, hurt my feelings so incredibly bad..but he has NO clue. He tried to fix me up with his 55 year old step dad... imagine Grizzly Adams meets Ralphie May... and Tad said 'here's my dad... he'll take you'. As if no one else in the whole fucking world would. I'm only 36...and I almost always have prefered guys my age or younger. I dunno.. it just hurt. Wow I'm actually crying. I stopped the lexapro...good but bad I guess. At least I am feeling things now.

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So I made it thru the day without driving out to Harper to try to see Jon. Girls are home now so it's impossible for me to go now...which is a good thing. Today has been super hard...been on the verge of and/or actually crying all day. But I made it thru the day and for that lil accomplishment I'm proud of.

tomorrow...

I'm dreading it...seriously. I'm a crumbled mess right now. I want amnesia..seriously. I want to NOT remember. 4 years ago... right about now.. we were probably at the church decorating...setting up...flowers... etc.. Ugh... Lord...Allah..whoever...please help me tomorrow.

stfu right?

I really feel as if many don't understand me... I often wonder if there really is anyone out there that does understand or even CARES to try to understand me... or hell even if no one understands me, how 'bout just some empathy or wtf ever. I often feel I can't be myself...have to watch what I say, what I do. Always feel scrutinized. Never feel good enough. If I'm quiet and reserved...oh she's snobby... if I'm loud and bitchy and speak my mind... oh i'm a raging bitch. wtf can't win I guess. I blog here so that hopefully I won't be judged...won't be ridiculed... won't have people rolling their eyes at me. True friends don't say they are 'sick of Jeanie and all her blah blah blah'.. true friends are there thru it all...being caring, supportive, wtf ever.

I'm teetering on the edge of insanity it feels like many times and as I'm typing this my chest is aching, tears welling up. I am 100% a mess. Too scared to go to MHMR... won't go back to my useless dr. So here I sit...thinking that I can some how fix it all myself...when in all actuality I believe deep down that instead of fixing things I am making them worse. I really am a mess..I know this...I admit this. I drove to Harper on Thursday nite, Friday nite, and Saturday and Sunday even... what for... hoping to see Jon. Pathetic...yup I know. Hoping to see Jon see me and then I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be ok...not peachy or rosy...but ok... we would be together... as a family...I wouldn't be alone. But I never saw him and any letters that I sent him in the past have gone unanswered. HELLLLLOOOOO that should in itself speak volumes. Why can't I or won't I give up? I don't like giving up... quitting. Never have been quitter. No one in this god forsaken town can say that I gave up or threw in the towel. I love my friends and family and yeah even Jon fully... I don't just love someone for a short while and then stop. But...seriously...what is it gonna take for me to let go. Any other self respecting woman would have already. Nope..not me... not pathetic Jeanie....not doormat Jeanie...just sitting around waiting for crumbs. But this is my demon to kill...and I will..I know that. A time will come where I do finally raise that white flag and give up. It's just really hard to do so.

I don't feel like a very good person right now. I don't feel very capable. Madison is pushing me to my limits and I was an idiot for thinking I could handle being a mother. Hell the first 6-7 years are the easy years. LOL

Eh...I'm just babbling... and most likely will delete this later... don't want to look like a pathetic fool to the whole world...but had to get it out...in hopes of my chest not hurting anymore. Fucking panic attacks.. oh but my dr. doesn't think I need anything for them. Fuck you you fucking fuck.

blah.

Blah....

May 8th is quickly approaching and I really wish the world could just skip over that day... wish all the calendars in the world just somehow could delete the 8th day of May. Used to be a day that I thought I'd hold dear to my heart forever. It was a beautiful day...a day filled with new hope...love...excitement...commitment. The church was beautiful...calla lillies everywhere... family and friends so full of love and hope for us. Hell... I got Jon into a CHURCH! lmao and into a suit! Hahaha.. Honeymoon was so beautiful...and amazingly fun.

Now all that is left is memories of what could have been.

Can't I maybe just take a pill that will put me to sleep on May 7th and then not let me wake up till May 9th? Please????

I know my family and friends have grown tired of my blah blah blah about Jon and all this shit. Beleive me I'm tired as well of still loving this man and not being able to get over him. I can honestly say I still love him. As I've told my closests friends... when I love...TRULY love...I love forever. Whether that person dies...or fucks me over... or lives half way around the world in NY!!! I love them...forever....no matter what. I don't just stop loving someone. guess that's a good thing...but a bad thing at the same time. The girls' dad keeps asking me why I got over him so quickly but not Jon....and I honestly have no answer. I don't want to be cold and say 'well cuz he was, I feel, my soulmate and I love him MORE than you'...that would just be cruel. I do love Brandon...but in a family way... like the love you feel for your uncle/cousins/etc.....

Blah... I'm off today...and it's days like this that if I sit around doing nothing that I really drive myself crazy and have thoughts of driving to Harper or whatev. I am nothing but beyond pathetic and I admit this. But I've remained strong. I haven't gone knocking on his door. Yes I will admit I've sent him 2 letters... just basically asking WTF! and why! and shit like that.. but I don't see him tearing down my door or getting his ass into rehab for me and the girls...and I have maintained composure so far... like I said..I haven't gone hunting him down or driven to Harper in order to see him.

Today's another day though...and I gotta stay busy.