stfu right?

I really feel as if many don't understand me... I often wonder if there really is anyone out there that does understand or even CARES to try to understand me... or hell even if no one understands me, how 'bout just some empathy or wtf ever. I often feel I can't be myself...have to watch what I say, what I do. Always feel scrutinized. Never feel good enough. If I'm quiet and reserved...oh she's snobby... if I'm loud and bitchy and speak my mind... oh i'm a raging bitch. wtf can't win I guess. I blog here so that hopefully I won't be judged...won't be ridiculed... won't have people rolling their eyes at me. True friends don't say they are 'sick of Jeanie and all her blah blah blah'.. true friends are there thru it all...being caring, supportive, wtf ever.

I'm teetering on the edge of insanity it feels like many times and as I'm typing this my chest is aching, tears welling up. I am 100% a mess. Too scared to go to MHMR... won't go back to my useless dr. So here I sit...thinking that I can some how fix it all myself...when in all actuality I believe deep down that instead of fixing things I am making them worse. I really am a mess..I know this...I admit this. I drove to Harper on Thursday nite, Friday nite, and Saturday and Sunday even... what for... hoping to see Jon. Pathetic...yup I know. Hoping to see Jon see me and then I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be ok...not peachy or rosy...but ok... we would be together... as a family...I wouldn't be alone. But I never saw him and any letters that I sent him in the past have gone unanswered. HELLLLLOOOOO that should in itself speak volumes. Why can't I or won't I give up? I don't like giving up... quitting. Never have been quitter. No one in this god forsaken town can say that I gave up or threw in the towel. I love my friends and family and yeah even Jon fully... I don't just love someone for a short while and then stop. But...seriously...what is it gonna take for me to let go. Any other self respecting woman would have already. Nope..not me... not pathetic Jeanie....not doormat Jeanie...just sitting around waiting for crumbs. But this is my demon to kill...and I will..I know that. A time will come where I do finally raise that white flag and give up. It's just really hard to do so.

I don't feel like a very good person right now. I don't feel very capable. Madison is pushing me to my limits and I was an idiot for thinking I could handle being a mother. Hell the first 6-7 years are the easy years. LOL

Eh...I'm just babbling... and most likely will delete this later... don't want to look like a pathetic fool to the whole world...but had to get it out...in hopes of my chest not hurting anymore. Fucking panic attacks.. oh but my dr. doesn't think I need anything for them. Fuck you you fucking fuck.

blah.

Blah....

May 8th is quickly approaching and I really wish the world could just skip over that day... wish all the calendars in the world just somehow could delete the 8th day of May. Used to be a day that I thought I'd hold dear to my heart forever. It was a beautiful day...a day filled with new hope...love...excitement...commitment. The church was beautiful...calla lillies everywhere... family and friends so full of love and hope for us. Hell... I got Jon into a CHURCH! lmao and into a suit! Hahaha.. Honeymoon was so beautiful...and amazingly fun.

Now all that is left is memories of what could have been.

Can't I maybe just take a pill that will put me to sleep on May 7th and then not let me wake up till May 9th? Please????

I know my family and friends have grown tired of my blah blah blah about Jon and all this shit. Beleive me I'm tired as well of still loving this man and not being able to get over him. I can honestly say I still love him. As I've told my closests friends... when I love...TRULY love...I love forever. Whether that person dies...or fucks me over... or lives half way around the world in NY!!! I love them...forever....no matter what. I don't just stop loving someone. guess that's a good thing...but a bad thing at the same time. The girls' dad keeps asking me why I got over him so quickly but not Jon....and I honestly have no answer. I don't want to be cold and say 'well cuz he was, I feel, my soulmate and I love him MORE than you'...that would just be cruel. I do love Brandon...but in a family way... like the love you feel for your uncle/cousins/etc.....

Blah... I'm off today...and it's days like this that if I sit around doing nothing that I really drive myself crazy and have thoughts of driving to Harper or whatev. I am nothing but beyond pathetic and I admit this. But I've remained strong. I haven't gone knocking on his door. Yes I will admit I've sent him 2 letters... just basically asking WTF! and why! and shit like that.. but I don't see him tearing down my door or getting his ass into rehab for me and the girls...and I have maintained composure so far... like I said..I haven't gone hunting him down or driven to Harper in order to see him.

Today's another day though...and I gotta stay busy.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...OH AND FUCK!

no time to sit and blog right now so I'm just releasing some tension by typing FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK... I swear I'm gonna fucking lose it. :cry:

so much for crawling back to bed...

Right off the bat the morning has started up all kinds of fucked up. Went outside to feed my dogs and Molly was GONE! Son of a fucking bitch! What a nice start to Maddie's bday...for her dog to be gone. Stupid fucking hound! So I drove and drove and drove. Yeah I live in a small town but fuck...even a small town of 9000 or so is still a mutha fucker to drive thru and find a dog. Stupid fucking thing better show the fuck back up!

I've got so much to do today and just don't feel like doing shit. Need to go by MHMR but that scares the shit out of me. :cry:

Had more dreams/nightmares about Jon. Finding out last Friday that the crackwhore finally wised up and left his ass has reinforced him into my daily thoughts again and I hate myself for it. Story has it that Jon and Kelly got into it one morning...he threw something at her...she slapped him..he rared his hand back like he was gonna hit her..she went beserk and just beat the shit out of him. According to friends while she was punch his stupid face she was saying something to the effect of 'mother fucker this is for all that shit you did to Jeanie'. So yeah...makes me feel good that the skank at least now sees that I was not the one full of shit...Jon was...and that there was TRUTH to the shit I was saying, proclaiming, etc... regarding Jon's abuse.

I hate myself. I hate myself for loving Jon. I hate myself for still thinking of him, missing him. Why the fuck can't the heart AND the mind communicate and get on the same mutha fucking page? Why did I grow up into a person who still, time after time, forgives...who still, time after time, hopes and thinks that a person will change? Why did I grow up into a person who, once she loves someone, it's forever...no matter the mistakes they make, the crimes they commit, etc. Ihate myself for not letting go. I hate myself....well for so many things.. eh fuck it.. And I really hate myself for my weight issues. As shallow as it is...I know goddamn fucking well that if I was an itty bitty size 2 or 5 or hell even 7 I'd be getting asked out. But fuck

I really need to get a grip on my head.... last few days except for when I was on that xanax...I have literally felt like I was going crazy.

Ok...well... shut your fucking face unclefucker... yep... that shit is engrained in my head right now... wonderfucking ful.

blah.....

Wow...today Maddie is 10...I can't believe it. Oh and Kensie is sooooo loving to her. She just walked up to Maddie and said 'happy stupid birthday Maddie' lol


Anyway....probably gonna crawl back into bed after girls get on the bus. Blah is all I feel. Well it's not all I feel...but it sums it up for now... I'll blog more when I'm more awake.