Right off the bat the morning has started up all kinds of fucked up. Went outside to feed my dogs and Molly was GONE! Son of a fucking bitch! What a nice start to Maddie's bday...for her dog to be gone. Stupid fucking hound! So I drove and drove and drove. Yeah I live in a small town but fuck...even a small town of 9000 or so is still a mutha fucker to drive thru and find a dog. Stupid fucking thing better show the fuck back up!
I've got so much to do today and just don't feel like doing shit. Need to go by MHMR but that scares the shit out of me. :cry:
Had more dreams/nightmares about Jon. Finding out last Friday that the crackwhore finally wised up and left his ass has reinforced him into my daily thoughts again and I hate myself for it. Story has it that Jon and Kelly got into it one morning...he threw something at her...she slapped him..he rared his hand back like he was gonna hit her..she went beserk and just beat the shit out of him. According to friends while she was punch his stupid face she was saying something to the effect of 'mother fucker this is for all that shit you did to Jeanie'. So yeah...makes me feel good that the skank at least now sees that I was not the one full of shit...Jon was...and that there was TRUTH to the shit I was saying, proclaiming, etc... regarding Jon's abuse.
I hate myself. I hate myself for loving Jon. I hate myself for still thinking of him, missing him. Why the fuck can't the heart AND the mind communicate and get on the same mutha fucking page? Why did I grow up into a person who still, time after time, forgives...who still, time after time, hopes and thinks that a person will change? Why did I grow up into a person who, once she loves someone, it's forever...no matter the mistakes they make, the crimes they commit, etc. Ihate myself for not letting go. I hate myself....well for so many things.. eh fuck it.. And I really hate myself for my weight issues. As shallow as it is...I know goddamn fucking well that if I was an itty bitty size 2 or 5 or hell even 7 I'd be getting asked out. But fuck
I really need to get a grip on my head.... last few days except for when I was on that xanax...I have literally felt like I was going crazy.
Ok...well... shut your fucking face unclefucker... yep... that shit is engrained in my head right now... wonderfucking ful.
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Don't ever hate yourself dear. Many of us, myself included love you too much for you to feel that way. But holy hell I can't believe that happened with her and him. Now I understand more as to why you've been so blah the past few days. That has to be so hard. I'm glad he got his ass beat, the fucker deserved that shit.
Try not to worry about Molly so much she's a female and they usually come back home.
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