stfu right?

I really feel as if many don't understand me... I often wonder if there really is anyone out there that does understand or even CARES to try to understand me... or hell even if no one understands me, how 'bout just some empathy or wtf ever. I often feel I can't be myself...have to watch what I say, what I do. Always feel scrutinized. Never feel good enough. If I'm quiet and reserved...oh she's snobby... if I'm loud and bitchy and speak my mind... oh i'm a raging bitch. wtf can't win I guess. I blog here so that hopefully I won't be judged...won't be ridiculed... won't have people rolling their eyes at me. True friends don't say they are 'sick of Jeanie and all her blah blah blah'.. true friends are there thru it all...being caring, supportive, wtf ever.

I'm teetering on the edge of insanity it feels like many times and as I'm typing this my chest is aching, tears welling up. I am 100% a mess. Too scared to go to MHMR... won't go back to my useless dr. So here I sit...thinking that I can some how fix it all myself...when in all actuality I believe deep down that instead of fixing things I am making them worse. I really am a mess..I know this...I admit this. I drove to Harper on Thursday nite, Friday nite, and Saturday and Sunday even... what for... hoping to see Jon. Pathetic...yup I know. Hoping to see Jon see me and then I would wake up from this nightmare and everything would be ok...not peachy or rosy...but ok... we would be together... as a family...I wouldn't be alone. But I never saw him and any letters that I sent him in the past have gone unanswered. HELLLLLOOOOO that should in itself speak volumes. Why can't I or won't I give up? I don't like giving up... quitting. Never have been quitter. No one in this god forsaken town can say that I gave up or threw in the towel. I love my friends and family and yeah even Jon fully... I don't just love someone for a short while and then stop. But...seriously...what is it gonna take for me to let go. Any other self respecting woman would have already. Nope..not me... not pathetic Jeanie....not doormat Jeanie...just sitting around waiting for crumbs. But this is my demon to kill...and I will..I know that. A time will come where I do finally raise that white flag and give up. It's just really hard to do so.

I don't feel like a very good person right now. I don't feel very capable. Madison is pushing me to my limits and I was an idiot for thinking I could handle being a mother. Hell the first 6-7 years are the easy years. LOL

Eh...I'm just babbling... and most likely will delete this later... don't want to look like a pathetic fool to the whole world...but had to get it out...in hopes of my chest not hurting anymore. Fucking panic attacks.. oh but my dr. doesn't think I need anything for them. Fuck you you fucking fuck.

blah.