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Feel free to ignore this or tell me to stfu or yell at me after reading it. I am prepared.. No this isn't a pity party...this is just me. Loving someone is not something you can just control. Yes...even after everything and all the time I still love Jon. Period. I do...can't shut it off...can't turn the channel and it disappear. I still love him and I have no clue what to do. It's been forever and I still love him just as much as long ago. And no, it's not due to me being lonely...it's not due to me being co-dependent because I've worked thru that. I still love him. Just like I still love my mother... faults and all.... Just like I still love my dad even though he's been dead since 1986. I still love him. But what the hell do I do with that? What the hell can I do with that. You can't just unlove someone when you love that person fault and all...unconditionally. Yeah so I'm a fool...an idiot...a glutton for pain and heartache the rest of my life I guess. So many nights I wished I didn't love him. That it could have just been some fleeting sexual relationship...but it wasn't. I swear to fucking GOD! yes GOD! that when I gave that man my heart I did so forever. Goddamn fuck. When I fucking LOVE someone with all my heart and soul...it's forever..whether it's family, friends, whatever. My kids...my dearest friends could commit fucking murder and I'd still love them. That's just how I am. I don't stop loving them just because they totally fuck me over or hurt me or whatever. So yeah... I know nothing will ever change...... my loving him is just something that I will have to accept and live with. Just like there is that ONE out there for everyone... my opinion... there also is that ONE LOVE out there that you just never get over. So yeah... have to deal I guess. Blah... whatever... just rambling.